Laven: Dirty Deleting, a lack of accountability and next steps

Wim Laven

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Perhaps you’ve heard the term “teachable moment” in recent years. It is a way of framing or reframing a mistake or misfortune into a learning opportunity or chance for growth.

I have had “teachable moments” unfold when text message alerts have hit multiple mobile phones in a classroom at the same time: “Warning! Active shooter on campus. Lock doors until further notice…”

I pivot to talking about the epidemic of gun violence, steps for increasing public safety, how studies explain the experiences we are having and so forth. It is only natural since the students will be distracted and talking about the emergency gives me the chance to either relieve students’ anxieties or give them reasons to consider the problem and discuss solutions.

I have had “teachable moments” when loaded terms, prejudice and animus have entered my classrooms. Sometimes people know the history of what is being said, but many times they do not.

“Peanut gallery” is a reference to people in the cheap seats. It’s first recorded use was “the darkies in the peanut gallery.” “No can do,” is derived from pidgin English, and it was used to mock Chinese immigrants. “Eenie meenie miney moe” originally continued “grab a N____r by the toe…” “Gyp” refers to gypsies and a negative connotation with their identity.

The classroom should be a safe place for learning these things so that they don’t create a problem. A flight attendant once sang, “eenie meenie miney moe, pick a seat, we gotta go.” Some African American passengers were offended. But the flight attendant professed ignorance of the history and meant to offend no one. Teachable moment.

I recently watched vice presidential candidate Tim Walz speak at the Democratic National Convention. I got emotional when I saw the show of support he received from his family. I teared up vicariously when I saw his son overflowing with pride for his father—“that’s my dad.” It reminded me of the last conversation I ever had with my own father, and I cried when I told him how proud of him I was.

Not everyone had the same reaction. I know people who were not blessed with good relationships with their fathers, and others whose fathers embarrassed them. We can all learn from each other by sharing our experiences, even when we sometimes disagree.

Ann Coulter provided a teachable moment by tweeting (and subsequently deleting): “talk about weird…”

It has opened conversations about when — if at all — it is acceptable to mock children. Many people observe Gus’s neurodiversity; he has a nonverbal learning disorder and ADHD. These are important conversations, because (like with so many issues) it is not clear when “just joking” pushes limits into harmful or cruel behavior.

Dirty deleting is when a person makes a post or comment on social media that provokes outrage. In that discomfort and embarrassment (possibly even guilt or shame) the poster chooses to delete — if it is not there it did not happen — rather than acknowledge, apologize or make a correction.

Deleting without comment is an avoidant behavior the limits the potential for growth and learning.

One winter I was a ski instructor for the Special Olympics. An athlete had a small collision with another skier when entering the lift line, and the teenager who had been struck snarled, “what are you ret___ded?!” As calmly as I could I said, “sorry, these athletes get excited as soon as they’re on the snow … everything OK?”

In my field there is significant evidence that shame is not an effective mechanism for conflict management or behavioral change. I knew the teen was immediately sorry for the grotesque insult; we had a five-minute conversation about the challenges Special Olympians face on the ride up the mountain. I think that shared humanity helped everyone. My athlete was sorry too, “… I just got excited …”

When we pretend it did not happen or ignore our role, we become stuck. When we take accountability we listen to others, actively address issues and make it possible to take corrective action. People of all age groups benefit when we acknowledge conflicts, communicate and collaborate to find solutions.

From active shooter warnings to bumps on ski hills, we can turn unpleasantness into teachable moments that draw us together.

Editor’s note: Wim Laven, Ph.D. teaches political science and conflict resolution in Ohio. Do you have an opinion on this issue? We’d like to hear from you. Reader reactions, pro or con, are welcomed at AzOpinions@iniusa.org.